Head games

4:30 p.m.

Ring! Ring!

What the heck is that?

Ring! Ring!

Do I have a phone? I didn't know they put a phone in this place. Where's there a phone?

Ring! Ring!

That doesn't really sound like a phone. I've never heard a ringer like that before. Huh. Where could it be? Ah, there it is. Why would they have put it on top of the fridge?

Ring! Ring!

Nope. This one's not plugged in. Weird. Where the heck is that coming from?

Ring! Ring!

Ah, second bedroom. There it is. Really, what the heck kind of ringer is that?

"Hello?"

"This is Mary from the St. Petersberg Times..."

"No thanks."

Click.

Ugh. I'm here five minutes and I already get a sales call?

4:30 a.m.

Beep! Beep!

Uggghhhh. Now what? Maybe that was in my head. Yeah, it's gone. Back to sleep...

Beep! Beep!

Nope. That was very real. [sigh, sits up in bed, waits a minute]

Beep! Beep!

Smoke alarm. Great. They couldn't put new batteries in the smoke alarms? [walks to hallway outside bedroom]

Beep! Beep!

Not this one. Why would it be this one? That'd be too easy. [waits another minute]

Beep! Beep!

Living room. Gotta be the one in the living room. Oh, geez. That's high up there. Lord, why did you make me so short? [drags chair across room while sleep walking]

Beep! Beep!

Wow, that's loud. At least I know it's this one. All right. Oh, this things got wires? Aannd, unplugged. That'll do the trick.

Beep! Beep!

Guess not! OK, the nine-volt is out. Now, shut up. I'm tired.

Beep! Beep!

Ummmm. [looks at battery in hand and then at smoke alarm in the other]

Please don't beep again. I don't want to have to call an excorcist.

Silence.

THANK YOU.

Welcome to your home for the next six weeks.